My ex is better in bed than my husband

Dear Pastor,

I have been a Christian for the past eight years; I am 28. From I was 16, I was involved with a man, but he had his woman.

That did not bother me because he gave me the best care that any girl would want. I knew his other woman. When she called me and told me that I should leave her man alone, I told her it would be better for her to leave him, and she should be talking to him, not me. She was much older than the man, so I had something over her.

She called my mother and complained to her, but I never admitted to my mother that this man and I were sleeping together. But we were going to bed very often, and that very week that my mother spoke to me, we ran out of gas and couldn't cook Sunday dinner. I called the man and asked him if he could take me to get some gas. He came for me and picked up the cylinder; my mother did not say a word.

I knew I was not fooling my mother, but it was hard for me to leave that man. When I wanted a pair of glasses, neither my father nor my mother could afford them. This man paid for the glasses. I admitted to my mother that he was the one who paid for them. When I turned 18, my mother stopped fussing about this man. I went out freely with him. My mother was searching for something that she needed in my bag and saw the morning-after Pill in there. She said "What a way you are running it hard with this man."

I should tell you, Pastor, that while we were together, he got married to the woman he was living with and it affected me. I even lost weight. But the big problem came when I went to a crusade and I got baptised. I told him that I could no longer be with him. He said he would respect that, but I still had sex with him sometimes, just not as often as before.

I am now married, but my husband cannot walk in this man's shoes. This man is a better lover than my husband. He was never in a hurry when we made love. My husband only wants to slam me, discharge, roll over and go to bed. I have spoken to him about it many times, but he has not changed. So even now, I pine over this other man. I know that you are going to say that I am a bad girl, and I feel that way too. But I have been trying to keep myself under subjection. This man used to 'go down' on me and I used to reciprocate. When I got married, I tried to teach my husband what to do, but he said the Bible is against that. He has never been able to show me that in the Bible.

I don't want to put you on the spot, but can you tell me whether the Bible is against people who are in love to go down on each other?

T.J.

Dear T.J.,

I am glad that you have become a Christian and you know that you would have to fight the world, the flesh and the devil.

Christianity is a fight. I am also glad that you got married. Concerning the questions that you have asked me, Christian counsellors differ as to whether it is a sin to engage in oral sex. Some say that nothing is wrong with it. In fact, there are some well-known Christian psychologists who maintain that such a practice can help your relationship.

I am not prepared to advocate for or to condemn the practice. It is solely up to the couple. But I would not want you to destroy your marriage by threatening to leave your husband because he does not freely do what you want to do in the bedroom. I have pointed out in this column that I know two couples who got divorced over oral sex. One woman wanted it and the husband rejected her. With the other couple, the man wanted it but the wife did not, and he promptly divorced her.

In the book Intended for Pleasure, Dr Wheat emphasises that there must be mutual understanding between a couple when it comes to this type of lovemaking. If a woman takes care of herself, doctors say that her vagina is cleaner than her mouth; I leave it there.

Pastor